True Humility

Well, I temporarily de-cluttered about half of the lower level yesterday. Yay! I say "temporarily" because there are still several boxes and piles waiting to be sorted, but at least they are neatly stacked in a corner and we can walk across the room again. Since I feel ahead of the game, I thought I'd take a few minutes to scribble some thoughts.

In my 33-day Preparation for Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary, yesterday was the sixteenth day, or the fourth day of the first week (since the twelve preliminary days are the preparation for the preparation :). Week One focuses on Knowledge of Self, and the reading from True Devotion to Mary began with these words:

During the first week they should offer up all their prayers and acts of devotion to acquire knowledge of themselves and sorrow for their sins. Let them perform all their actions in a spirit of humility. With this end in view they may, if they wish, meditate on what I have said concerning our corrupted nature, and consider themselves during six days of the week as nothing but sails, slugs, toads, swine, snakes and goats. Or else they may meditate on the following three considerations of St. Bernard: "Remember what you were -corrupted seed; what you are - a body destined for decay; what you will be -food for worms."

Did St Louis and St Bernard know how to paint a word picture or what? Yikes.

This reflection brought to mind an experience I had in confession several years ago. My favorite confessor ever was a young priest in the Arlington diocese of northern Virginia. (I refer to him as young because he was my age. :) He was filled with such wisdom and piety and never afraid to speak the truth. One evening as I was confessing my sins and overcome with the wretchedness of my motherhood, he spoke directly, "Cut the self-pity nonsense. Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

Those words went straight to my heart and have remained with me since. He saw through my lamentations and called them for what they were. You see, being deeply introspective, I have never had much trouble recognizing my sins and weaknesses and feeling truly sorry for them. My personal struggle is that I get stuck there.

My tendency is to say, "Woe is me. I'm so awful. I can never really improve in any lasting way. There is no hope for me." I keep the focus on myself. I look for others to convince me I'm wrong.

But that is not the purpose of Knowledge of Self, is it? Self-centeredness is not the place where St Louis de Montfort intended to lead us in examining our corrupted natures. Instead, he asks us to look within to recognize our lowliness, so that we will then turn our eyes upward to see Him in His greatness.

When I can admit that I am nothing and He is everything, I am better able to empty myself, because I am more willing to let go of the fractured me to which I cling, knowing that I can do nothing on my own.

Only in my emptiness can I be filled by His love and His grace and all of His goodness.

Then, when others look to me, reflecting Him, they see not my imperfections but His perfection made manifest. My absolute best is a mere speck of all that He can do through me. If I let him.

Mary said, "I am the handmaiden of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to your word." Without hesitation, she emptied herself to be filled by the One who had made her for Himself. Her focus was not on her lowliness but on the greatness of her Lord and the hope He offered. She trusted Him with all of her being.

Oh, that I might follow her...in true humility.