A Weary Mother Rediscovers Joy

You smiled...you smiled...oh and then the spell was cast.
And here we are in heaven...and you are mine...at last.
From the song At Last, by H. Warren and M. Gordon

We waited fourteen months for news of our fifth daughter, from the time we turned in our adoption paperwork until the day we received her referral from China, and then we waited another two months until we could bring her home. One of the longest pregnancies ever. Time passed pretty quickly though, because of the unorthodox way we chose to fill it---completing another set of paperwork for two other little girls, traveling to Russia twice, and beginning the long transition of welcoming Valya and Nastia into our lives.

At some point during those months of waiting, I heard the song “At Last,” performed so powerfully by Etta James. These days this song is often played at weddings, but for some reason it really connected my heart to my unknown daughter waiting in China. Somehow I knew that I needed her even more than she needed me, and I longed to hold her in my arms. After we brought Valya and Nastia home from Russia and our family growing pains were so intense, several people asked if we would continue with our second Chinese adoption. This always took me by surprise, because in my mind there was never any question of turning back. She had already been conceived in my heart, and I had carried her close for a long time. The moment I saw her sweet little face pop onto our computer screen, I knew that God had chosen this little girl to be my daughter.

My second journey to China was very different from the first. This time I left Jim and Elena behind with Valya and Nastia and traveled with Mariana and my sister Sarah. I did not experience the emotional highs of my first trip, but in many ways it was more relaxed and peaceful, going back to a country I love, the land that gave me my precious Mariana. The moment of meeting little Chun Hua Qiu was definitely not the rapturous one I had experienced two years before, and I did not feel an immediate bond to my new daughter, perhaps because Jacinta was a few months older than Mariana had been. She was scared and tears rolled down her cheeks. I was privileged to meet her nanny, and it was clear that the two had loved each other, a bittersweet moment for all of us. How exactly do you thank a person for loving and raising your child for the first eleven months of her life and then just walk away with the baby in your arms? It took Jacinta a few days to warm up to us, and even then, she remained quite serious and quiet for the rest of the trip.

Once we were settled at home however, it didn’t take long for our new little one to melt into our family. She seemed to thrive on the chaos and attention of her sisters, and a beautiful, vivacious personality emerged. She is extremely energetic, inquisitive, independent, and expressive---her smile lights up a room. She always insists on pressing the palm of my hand to her cheek as she falls asleep. In many ways, she reminds me of my oldest, Elena, as a baby, only intensified by several degrees. So happy and so full of life. Interestingly, it was Elena who pulled me through those long, dark days following my mother’s death, and now it is Jacinta who is restoring in me the joy of motherhood, which I have been struggling to rediscover. Loving her fills my heart to the brim, and I grieve that the mother who chose to give her life will never know her beauty.

Mother Teresa once remarked, “How can you say there are too many children in the world? That’s like saying there are too many flowers.” My Jacinta Rose is living proof of this for me. The Lord has a plan and a purpose for each of the children He brings into our lives, and I know that He is molding me into the woman He desires through each of my daughters, no matter how much I fight it at times. I can never thank Him enough for the gift of my little Jacinta and for the grace to receive her into my life even when it didn’t make sense to do so. She rescued me from the depths of myself, her joy too contagious to resist.


Endnote: I wrote these words about three years ago and included them with Jacinta’s adoption announcement. She continues to add such joy to my life. Exactly one month after returning from China, we discovered that I was unexpectedly pregnant with the child who would be our first son. But that’s a story for another Carnival of Babies…