A Better Plan

I had big plans for this past week, plans that involved lesson planning and schedules and book orders, plans that involved creating a beautiful, efficient road map for the coming school year.

(Yes, I know that I have never been able to create a beautiful, efficient road map...or even a hideous, cumbersome one, for that matter...but hope springs eternal in this delusional heart of mine.)

My plans for the week did not involve apple picking or roller skating or listening to a dear friend pour out her heart or emptying all of our bedrooms for the laying of hardwood floors or traveling solo to my hometown for a funeral.

His plans were better.

I try really hard to keep my eyes on my own work and not compare our way of learning to the ways of others. I know that God knew all of my limitations and weaknesses when He blessed me with my children, and He sent them anyway. It's just that my dreams are so much bigger than anything I ever accomplish.

His dreams are even bigger.

After Jim's retirement ceremony, my younger but wiser sister told him that instead of being disappointed that he hadn't achieved his plans and dreams, he should try to understand and be grateful that he was achieving God's plans and dreams, which are so much greater than his own. Tough words to swallow for one who clings to the false belief that she is the master of her destiny, rather than face continual submission and surrender to her true Master as He sends unexpected, unplanned, unwanted events into her days.

Doesn't He understand that I don't want to be a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants mom? Can't He see into my heart and know that I long for order and beauty in the form of an organized Franklin planner and a counter top with nothing piled on it? Doesn't He want me to experience the smallest bit of success in this overwhelming endeavor of educating my children?

Apparently not. Apparently He cares more about my holiness than my happiness.

I yearn for perfection in all the wrong ways. He yearns to make me perfect in Him. With each interruption, He asks, "Do you trust Me enough to let go of your plans and let me work Mine?"

And so, as I drove to Youngstown this evening for an unplanned, unexpected gift of visiting with my sweet dad and dear stepmom, I prayed as Matt sang:

I stand in awe of You
And everything You've done for me
You speak Your words into my life
And where You are is where I want to be

I stand before You, Lord
Humbled by the love You give away
A widow's mite, my will and pride
It's all I have to offer anyway

I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself